The brilliance of ideas

For me I’ve always been a deep thinker questioning everything where I can. This has lead me to all sorts of troubles in the past where I’ve questioned things I may not have been right to do so but I do not regret that now. I think people with ideas are brilliant being critical of things is important in this day and age of rolling news and so much information at the tips of our fingers we should be very careful what we believe and what we don’t more than ever before. I would maybe say my political ideas are somewhat cynical now and this is mainly born out through experience of various ideas and experiences I’ve been through. Having experienced being in a mass political party in the labour party and also a much smaller party in the socialist party I’ve found that party politics whilst have their merits in terms of collective thinking and the mix of ideas I do think ultimately these can be undemocratic in their outlook and their practices. So I now am not in any political party but I do still pay close attention to the former parties I was in and watch with interest as they look to improve things. I do think however political parties are not ideal for a number of reasons and for me the arena to question and think critically of things being frowned upon does not help them develop and adapt to new situations. For example labour and the socialist party is still banging on with the same tired worn out slogans which appeal to very little people or if they do they are communicated wrongly in the wrong format or medium. I think the biggest thing to remember is that we are all still learning and even when we are older and seemingly know a lot there is always more we can learn from each other and ourselves. I think questioning things and questioning ourselves in particular is a key ingredient to becoming an outward thinking person being able to reflect on what has been and what is required in a positive yet critical fashion can prove very useful in time. Politics is a funny business. Many people just don’t get it and feel turned off by it and I can’t blame them at all in fact I’ve been turned off mainstream politics the stuff you see on television for some time. But for me what we see on TV at Westminster is not politics. Politics or political thinking is all around us. The shopping we buy every week, the newspapers we may read, the conversations we have with our friends and where we work is all political everything can be political if you choose to see it that way. I think our lives are shaped by how we see the world if we wish to affect change we can do so. Things are not static and are constantly evolving all the time. We are in affect a cog in a giant wheel where we can decide to change things if we wish to. Having a idea is a brilliant thing if it is shared by others is not the point if you wish to see how far it can go you can be challenged and tested to see if your idea has any legs by this we can tweak our thinking and come to a much more rounded out way of thinking that helps us understand the world around us much more. I should really take up critical thinking with the Open University or something as there must be something I can do with my deep thinking that can benefit others. But lastly I would just say to people don’t just accept what your being told question everything and keep on doing so. The day we stop thinking is the day we stop living.

What is going on on the old left?

The old left is going through a bit of a transition right now to what and where it will end who knows but there is a crisis that is sweeping the far left right now. Mostly Leninist and Trotskyist parties but can be found elsewhere too. It is a realization that much of what they have been saying while many of them believe what they are saying is just not caching a echo with workers and none despite the biggest and gravest economic crisis since the 30's are barely treading water and in many case's loosing members and stagnating . I do think there are systemic roots for this problem on the left. Having left the socialist party one of the better Trotskyist parties out there over a month ago I have seen a few too many incidents of some very unsavory nature to be honest. I have witnessed and read about some of the worst forms of human behavior over the last year with the cover up of the rape case with Comrade Delta in the SWP to bullying and harassment from others on the left. The latest falling out comes from the AWL - Alliance for workers liberty. A smaller group than the two bigger forces on the Trotskyist left the SWP and the SP. But the sense of party crisis has not escaped the AWL either it would seem. "...In the ensuing “debate” only two members – myself and Hannah Thompson – raised any criticism of the article. It is unclear as to whether this was because those who were critical of the article were not called to speak or whether they chose not to, but the debate was primarily used to denounce and attack critics and to rally support for the leadership. In one incredible contribution, members were told that is was not even necessary to even read the offending article before springing to its defense. Any critical, or thinking, approach was actually “disloyal” to the group. Moreover, it was even wrong to post their grievances to the internal list. We were asked to show solidarity with poor Sean and told that the Executive Committee’s public response was a defense of us all. Many of the arguments made in that debate are now being rolled out across the internet and in real life in a feeble damage limitation exercise..." http://www.cpgb.org.uk/home/weekly-worker/online-only/awl-resignation-matgamnas-article http://m.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cpgb.org.uk%2Fhome%2Fweekly-worker%2Fonline-only%2Fawl-resignation-matgamnas-article&h=lAQGOsNDj&s=1 This rings very familiar to myself who has always tried to think critically and keeping a balanced approach to things was called all sorts and charged with being "disloyal" while still a member of the socialist party I was ticked off several times for not taking my disagreements if you could call them that and points of misunderstanding as I’d prefer to call them up with others in the party. When I did as I maintain I did all is it not always in a official capacity due to my lack of confidence in public situations and public speaking I felt contacting individuals and speaking to them in what I thought was confidence would help. It later turned out any misunderstanding or disagreement as I was told they were in the end was not held in confidence at all and allot of what I said about my concerns with the party were relayed back to my region and beyond in some case's which I found to be a breaking of my trust. I think there is one thing being a open party but another to go tell your senior every time someone has a issue I felt like I could not trust very many people in the party in the end and allot of people were out to catch me out and find me guilty of being disloyal and not pulling the party line so to speak. It really did feel very 1984 at times where I would receive a sharply toned email warning me not to put my thoughts and feelings out on my blog and on social media. I replied each time saying I did not know the party had control of my blog and what I personally felt. But apparently while I was a member my personal blog represented the party despite me constantly stating this blog is my own and nothing to do with the socialist party and is the thoughts independent of the party and do in no way represent the parties party's views. Are personal views to be frowned upon on the Trotskyist left? It would certainly seem so in my experience. But this distrust of those with a critical mind is quite co common on the left I have now realized many groups have seen a decline in membership despite what they officially will tell you. Why would a party admit its lost members it doesn’t do its street cred any good does it? But we know for a fact members come and go all the time and on the left some groups have a very high turnover of members. In the SWP for example they estimate to have over 7000 members but no one surely believes this figure? I understand you are considered a member in the SWP if you have signed a petition or brought a paper sub paying doesn’t seem to be that important. I do think the internet is something the old left has yet to come to terms with and does not know how to deal with it. It is something that is out of their control. I think that is the nub of it really the control and the lack of being able to control what members say to each other on the internet. The old left had a way of organising and working that they kept everything internal and in meetings but with the addition of the internet this is no longer possible and I feel there will be more and more tensions with party members of all groups as people realise they can think and discuss with each other online and that discussion doesn’t have to be just limited to the holy branch meeting. I think personally it shows a lack of confidence on the behalf of the old left to not wish to discuss and debate its differences out in public view of the working class. It’s pretty patronizing I think as it says that the working class are not intelligent enough to understand the debates and discussions and only we as the chosen Marxists can understand which for me is hugely insulting and shows a lack of confidence in their own ideas and also a lack of confidence in the working class to act and think for themselves and of course the old left do not wish the working class to act and think for itself it must be lead to the promised land of socialism. There is much wrong with the old left and allot of its modes of organisation and methods of interacting are out of date but this can change and may well do in time. The working class is constantly changing and is far more fluid in its work situation. With the unemployed and those in and out of work a lot it will be harder and harder for work place organising even for unions as I’ve previously explained. New ways of organising and thinking will be necessary. Can the old left adapt to the new situations coming? Only time will tell.

Attitudes to democracy and discussion on the left

On the left we often talk about fighting for democracy and for the most democratic society possible i.e. socialism or communism yet of late I’ve been less than impressed with certain sections of the left and socialists. My attitude is that all forms of democracy are necessary and all should be upheld. Stating we are democratic and have open democratic discussion is just not enough we actually have to practice what we preach from now on. Too often I’ve been attacked and been shouted done by other socialists or left wingers who tell me I can’t say such and such thing or that I’m breaking democratic centralism. Forgive me for not knowing the rules of this. At times it feel like there is a cultish type mentality on the left in some parties anyway with a party line debated in a small circle of often members who have known each other for years and often decades deciding the policy in a room much like choosing a new pope and when a decision is made the membership will then be able to debate it but can affect very little change on the outcome. I have to admit I’ve been frustrated by some on the left and left less than impressed with some people’s attitudes to democracy. To some it’s an added extra and something we just do anyway so let’s not get bogged down in discussing things let’s get on and build for that 24 hour general strike or next lobby of the TUC. Any dissenting voices are often rounded on it seems to me. I’ve raised disagreements which hasn’t affected any parties ability to intervene in any situation which means surely I haven’t broke any rules or democratic centralism or that angel of it anyway. I am not proud to admit I’ve been abused to the point of cyber bullying by some of my own comrades at times for daring to question things and the way we work. I am a critical thinker and always have been I personally think we should encourage critical thinkers and not deter them for speaking out. If a party or organisation cannot debate its differences out in public then people will wonder how much they can trust them. Showing you are democratic and debate does take place in your party sounds far more genuine than a party which looks completely united and has no differing opinions. It’s hard to believe anything can be that faultless. In any group there will be disagreements and differing views and strategies. I think to air our debates out in the open shows to the working class we are democratic and can share and discuss our ideas in a confident manner. What have we to hide at the end of the day? Democracy is key to me and when I see it being over ridden or pushed to one side I wince and sigh as I know a party and the left has lost a bit more credibility. People are looking for ways to learn not to just be fed and told what to think. This is not healthy and wont lead to any revolution or mass workers party. Failure to debate and discuss leads you no where but to oblivion and irrelevance I’m afraid. The left has a lot of lessons to learn in the next period if it is to stand any chance of making a break through. At times the left and socialists drive me up the wall a lot are genuine activists others I am not so sure about. But trust is a big thing to me and once my trust is broken its hard to repair it. Let’s work together for greater genuine democracy and open debate and discussion at all levels.

Making work pay, what a con

The Tories and the government’s whole idea about making work pay I’ve discovered me a complete lie. The whole idea pushed by Iain Duncan Smith tat no one should be able to gain more being on benefits than in work. Already this is ridiculous as many are in work who claims benefits due to low pay. Much like myself I am a part time office worker doing 16 hours a week at present and claim working tax credits to top up my pitiful pay. This still puts me way below the average wage of a worker in Britain coming in just shy of 10k a year. This week I’ve been notified that my working tax credits are to be lowered or cut if you like by £200 from what I got last year. My pay is a tiny amount above the minimum wage I would not be claiming tax credits if I was earning a decent wage so the idea I’m earning too muc is stupid. The government or HMRC if you like claim I have earnt too much in the last year so I shouldn’t get so much next year. Making work pay therefore is an absolute joke my wages have not gone up or down in the last year and as a result I’ve applied for working tax credits once again so how has HMRC worked out I shouldn’t get the same as last year? Is this down to inflation or government cuts? In which case I am highly dubious that my extra £200 will help the government all that much. But of course this is not about paying of far deficit or anything like that it is a clear attack on the poorest in society. Rhetoricof a general strike is one thinglets see some action and something which can provide hope to many struggling by today. I will no doubt have to cut back on some of the things I spend on in a month cutting back on some of the things I enjoy to make up the short fall. I am also disabled registered blind and do get a extra component to my working tax credits yet this really isn’t much and I am still struggling by every month to live. I do live with my mum at present as no where cheap enough to move out to so I am hoping my cut in benefits wont mean I can no longer pay my mum rent. How this works out that I should be one of the people to pay for the private sector and the bankers mess I do not know but as we know big business’s run off laughing to themselves to the banks evading and avoiding tax to the tune of billions. Fair? I think not. This has really fucked me off if I’m honest and made me realise how little fight back there has been to the cuts. A couple of marches from A to B to listen to Ed Miliband and a 1 day public sector strike are not what I call an effective fight back. Many people are angry and growing angrier by th week. With the bedroom tax no more than a plaything to the mainstream parties who can say how bad it is a actual fightback is still needed desperately. No wonder unions are not looking to fight back most of the leaders are on good money and the cuts are not affecting them as yet. Change is going to have to come from below the unorganised I feel. No political party seems prepared to stand up and fight back so it is left to the down trodden and the disenfranchised to fight back. Unions are one thing but when they are offering no lead to fight back we could do with the money some of their full timers are on but their advice of sitting back and waiting for a labour gov is frankly insulting to many of us who’re struggling. I’ve had enough if you have to join me in the fight to change things. We need a new way of doing things work has never paid for many people and is even less now its time for change in 2013!

Why I joined the Socialist Party not the SWP

Firstly I’d like to say to any SWP readers of this blog this is not meant in a sectarian putting our party before yours kind of post but a realistic reflection on why I join a party which in numbers is slightly smaller, less of a web presense, less well known perhaps and what some would say has less going for it. Well firstly I was in the labour party briefly at best for a spate of a few months. I’ve been criticised by some such as Owen Jones who brings it up every time we debate that I was a labour party member and yes I admit it I did vote for Ed balls in the leadership elections. I’ve never tried to hide that fact. We all make mistakes we all are naive when first getting into politics. I was only 21. I’d just started getting into politics and felt at the time Ed balls was making the right noises in opposing the cuts. How wrong was I!! I have since realised my error but do not dodge any difficult issues I realise I was wrong, so be it. We can all be duped in our early days in politics and I certainly was. We are not all brought in to politics with the perfect outlook the absolute pure class perspective and no blemish’s at all. I admit it I was wrong, wrong to ever think labour were any alternative wrong to think Ed balls stood against the cuts and wrong to think parliament can deliver change in any form. Whilst saying that I accept many will be taking a similar route to myself at this very moment and accept those who feel alienated by the cuts and the onslaught of attacks on the working and middle class’s today and make the decision to get involved. I realise many will opt for the line of least resistance to say I’m involved I oppose the cuts and will unfortunately join labour. I understand this. I was there. I was that person I describe. I thought Labour opposed the cuts. I was however wrong, very wrong. In politics I do not see a problem with admitting you were wrong, as long as you admit that honestly and up front is fine. It’s then what you do after that which counts. If you say oh well I was wrong but carry on as before what do you learn? Nothing I feel Whereas I took a conscious decision to leave the labour party. A decision not taken lightly by many today but for me it was an easy choice. I’d looked on the internet for more left parties/groups I first stumbled as I’m sure many do across the SWP. Whilst in the labour party moving more to the left singled me out for much abuse, you’re a communist, a leftie, a trot were the jibes levelled at me. Another was if you’re too left your let the Tories win we can’t allow that. I ran into the bureaucracy of the labour party I admit. I was feeling more and more my class instincts and said openly to a CLP labour party meeting I oppose all these cuts. To the local labour party councillor on Herts Country Council, Sharon Taylor, Leader of Labour run Stevenage Borough council who I raised this issue with. I said I oppose all these cuts why should we be making any cuts. Should we not take as our base line as opposing all cuts. She gave me as Sharon is known for a load of spiel on why we can’t fight all cuts and that to appear credible and not militant and to regain power we must conform to what we are being asked. I fumed I was not happy but kept this in check I walked out of that meeting astonished and angry that these are labour party officials who will not and do not see any way of fighting the cuts. Even at a local level. I was angry and this field my desire to fight the cuts even more finding out in the middle of this disability benefit were to be cut and labour would not fight these cuts was the final straw for me. I had to leave but to where Many see the SWP as the biggest and most vocal force on the left even still today. Many feel if you leave the labour party to the left you will join the SWP Well I didn’t. I read their website I still subscribe to their daily emails but I did not however join them. Why was this? You may ask Well locally the SWP have nothing, But that is not my sole reason, I joined the Socialist party formally Militant and I do still believe the majority who stuck with the SP are the true founders of Militant and live on in its name in class, action and programme. Programme is a big part of my reason for joining and continuing to be a member of the SP. I did not just join as I think they have the right policies and demands to win elections. I took a different outlook I knew the SP were not simply about winning elections they were about more than that. That more was about changing society I have wholly brought into their ideas and am well I’d like to think so a advocate of their our ideas and I would now consider them my ideas too as till date I have not disagreed with anything we have said, done, or acted on. This may change as we are a democratic organisation and disagreements do come up as much as outsiders may doubt this but we do disagree. But instead of other parties expelling and disciplining those who do disagree we debate democratically and try to come to some sort of arrangement and a position to move forward. We do not write anyone off we feel that any working class person can become a Marxist and understand our ideas but at the same time we realise a minority of the class, the most advanced layer will be won to our ideas. It’s what we do with those ideas which matters. I daily try to raise the ideas of genuine socialism now. Since my transition and it was a transition not a brainwashing or anything I reject that I came to my own conclusions in time and I stand by that. I do believe we need to change society and only the working class has the revolutionary power to do that and that the Socialist party with its international across the globe featuring over 42 sections in the CWI is best placed to carry this task out for the betterment of the human race.

My struggle how i came to the position i am in today

I thought i should do a more personal blog post for a change tonight. I've been blogging for a while now and have explained very little about myself.

I am fairly modest i think this is why i detail little about my own life and situation. But i thought i'd give a brief but more in depth outline here of how i came to hold the views i do and what life experiences have affected me.

Up to the age of 16 i was always a very quiet, reserved and shy type of young lad who ddint have a huge amount of friends and found it hard to trust people. At secondary school at a all boys school in our near by county town i find it hard to make friends at times. I found i would get close to one certain friend more than fit in with a group of friends. I'd often keep myself to myself and just get by. This didnt help me one bit as i was repeatably picked on for various things about the way i was back then. Quiet having the face of a monkey or just being a bit of a wuss when it came to playing rugby with the others. I was never one for the rough and tumble and military style boot camp that all boys school liked to drum in to its students. It was a old grammer school and i felt it still held alot of that hard line discipline that was a throw back to those days of segregation.

I wasnt a particularly intelligent student i always did my homework on time and got on well with my teachers but i struggled at things like maths and english for at ime. But eventually i did ok and got a respectable set of GCSE's.

Starting the 6th form i thought i'd got over the worst of school life having seen some of my more formidable bullies leave the school due to failing their exams i felt a lot more relaxed going into the 6th form. Getting on well with teh teachers i had been friendly wti h from before and finding a few others had grown up too i found things getting better for me at school anyway.

At home i'd always had a difficult relationship with my dad, i still do to a degree we rarely speak socially and he used to get very angry at me for the slightest things. I remember when asking for help with my maths homework one time him getting very angry and upset with me for doing something wrong. Likewise he liked to get my brother and i interested in the things he was interested in. he had this vision of us all playing golf together and growing up liking thet hings he did. This was a vision i didn ot share and although i didnt mind golf i was never mad about it like he was and he grew increasingly frustrated at this.

Before my GCSE's i had a lot of revision time off like you do and my dad was constantly on my c ase to revise revise revise and was very strict about it. reminding me i'll fail and end up stacking shelves if i dont revise properly. I did revise to the best i could but i hated exams and was rubbish at them really. But they turned out ok in the end but all that summer of 2004 in Portugal whilst on holiday my dad was on my case scaring me into what happens if i dont get the results i need to get into 6th form. This stressed me out no end.

A few months into life in the 6th form at school whilst playing basketball i was hit squarely on the head with the ball i did not see it coming. Otehr strange events kept happening like playing badminton at school i would go to hit the shuttle cock and completely miss it when in previous years i'd been very good at this and was always told i had a excellent eye for the ball etc. I did i had 20 20 vision with was considered the best level of vision possible. I was colour blind but many men are i am lead to believe . This did not affect me at all

But more and more in lessons i was squinting and having to sit nearer and nearer the front of class's to see the board. This was just getting silly i thought i asked my mum out of the blue if i could go to the optitians to see what if anything was up.

She and well we all thought at that time it was simply down to me playing computer games far too much as teenagers at that age generally do these days we thought nothing more of it.

But at the optitians i and the optitian seeing me was stunned to find i could not even read past the first letter on the board of letters designed to test your eyesight.

This for if anyone doesnt know is a set of letters with the top letter being a absolutely huge letter A. anything below this i could not see a thing.

THis concerned the optitians and refered me immediatly for a emergency appointment at our local hospital.

This was the real start of the period of me loosing my sight i'd say. Visiting hospitals all around Hertfordshire going up to London to see eye specialists and barely stopping to breath in between. Having test upon test to see what was causing this rapid loss of sight was a great puzzle to the experts. Having had blood test after blood test once having twice in one day as the assistant had lost one and had to do another i was kept in over night in early november. Having had a lumber puncher to test if there was any blood in my spinal fluid. This was their thinking taht i may have a brain tuma which was causing pressure on the back of my eyes. This turned out not to be the case thankfully but i imagine that was the reason for the great rush and all the tests as they feared the worst that i may have a brain tuma which would have been awful of course.

Luckily it wasnt it turned out and tests finally confirmed i had a rare case of something called lebers optical nearopathy disease the rarer form. You can read more about it at this site here


http://www.ifond.org/lhon.php3

Eventually my sight would steadily decline over time and as the site link provided above says usually between 2 to 8 weeks is teh time it takes as the accute phase as they call it begins to slow and eventually stable out and tends to stay at that point at which it is. For me it has left me with no central vision and blurred peripheral vision which at times when i'm tried for example is not much use at all. When it is useful i can still see around the edges and make out outlines of frames, people and doorframes which can be very useful indeed i've found.

But i do use a long white cane now having taken mobility lessons at home and away at the Royal National College for the blind in Hereford. which is a residential college specialised in supporting and helping long term or recently blinded people to learn to live independently again in the outside world. I enjoyed my time at Hereford and look back upon my time there with fondness. Some of the people i met there changed my life i can say that now they inspired me and filled me with confidence to take on this world. meeting other people who were blind and had gone blind or had been blind from birth gave me the confidence to know there is still life out there and i can still do very many things indeed, given some adaptation and adjustment life isnt too bad for me really. I have previously blogged that i do claim DLA and this has helped me maintain my level of independence the best i can.

But all this adversity and having to learn to cope again with life taught me a hell of a lot. I have come out of my shell and have now found the confidence to talk to people and i'd never have thought to myself i'd have been on the national radio, spoken to a public crowd of over 100 for the Jarrow march meeting which came through our area last year, travelled across the country using the train network independently found myself a girlfriend well several actually some didnt all work out too well but that's by the by. and made some good solid freinds now who i see as friends for life now.

How i lost my sight or what brought it on is a mystery no scientific research can tell at the moment but i am fairly sure the levels of stress i put myself under and was under unessesarily from my dad and people at school did not help one bit i am sure. I dont hate my dad for what he did but certainly it has made things very difficult between us. Whether this will ever change i dont know but now i am living away from him with my mum as still cant find a affordable place to rent to live locally we at least have that distance now and i feel happier away from him i must say.

Politically i am now in the socialist party i've always thought of myself of the left and since loosing my sight i know now the struggles people go through the precious time we have on this planet to help and do all i can for others to make this world a farier more equal society is my aim now and i hope to carry taht on in to the future.